If Virtual Reality Was Honest | Honest Ads

when i first invented the internet, it was all text based and very difficult to steal user data. then, with the rise of smartphones and faster speeds, everything became video based and stealing data was much, much easier. but it's still not enough. hi, my name is roger horton and today i want to tok to you about the roger verse: a world where anything is possible, where dreams become reality, where i will become your god and you my pathetik, digital subjects confused. it's better if i just show you, strap on this skin, irritating headache, inducing heavy facebox, straight out of a cyberpunk chiropractor's wet dreams. hurry, hurry, hurry. this smartphone duct taped to a viewmaster becomes unusable if we drop an update or release a new iteration of this tiknology that becomes outdated every few months. it's not like we do backwards compatibility. now let's free you from that moist, pendulous meat prison and escape this corporeal plane. hey, whoa, welcome to the future of the internet, where the only limits are those imposed by your weak imagination and your credit card company. oh man, this is like a video game. can i play? first things first. you can't enter my magical computer world without first creating an account for our social media platform that's actively destabilizing the world's governments. i don't even use social media. look, we can't track everything you do unless you sign this. okay, so just do it and you can get to playing. great. now what kind of hero would you be without some sort of pricing digital weapon? that seems a little expensive. well, you can always go back to the real world where you have zero swords. here come the ninjas. did you enjoy pretending you had some sort of useful skill and specific purpose? that was fun. what happened? you almost said a swear friend, where's my sword? part of the deal is, if you fail to follow our platform's neo-puritan bylaws that somehow don't apply to literal nazis, we'll ban you from our dystopia forever and revoke all those items you purchased from us. but my sword. let's try again with something a little less arousing now. this is what the roger verse is actually all about: working meetings, getting yelled at by your boss. i think i prefer ninja work weary. i needed that report on simeon slurp juice habits an hour ago. uh, sorry, i'll get right on it. is there a keyboard around here somewhere? have it on my desk in the next 10 minutes or i'll dock your pay. 200 rogerverse tokens. wait, your real desk or your computer desk? [Laughter]. who is that for, thanks to our data mining, we know exactly what to market to you, and it's definitely not products created by other companies, because we're committed to squashing and buying up any and all competition. even if we do let some decent content be sold by a third party, we'll take a 50 percent cut of their profits. that way, the roger verse remains carefully curated to ensure everything on here is incredibly buggy and low quality for you. i can see you're still not sold on the roger verse, and i know why: it's because you're a man of culture, a man of taste. i've got just the world for you. what is this place? oh my god. yes, yes. enjoy yourself while we record all your biometric data, eye movements, your little grunts. whether you realize it or not, we're collecting enough information to clone you. once tiknology catches up, pretty soon we'll be able to package and sell your actual soul that's worth a pretty penny to the right buyer. i've been virtually roger. [Music]. [Music]. [Music].

Honest Government Ad | the Rental (& Housing) Crisis

[Music]. hello, I'm from the Australian government with an update on one of our most cherished Traditions: being sociopathically [ __ ] to renters. this tradition is being celebrated across Australia right now. mum's begging for homes, pensioners can't afford most rentals, kids are sleeping in cars, flood victims are living in tents and to get a lease you now need a renter's agent. yup, things are so cooked. that's a real job. now, of course, if you don't like it, you can always piss off to the Outback, except you can't because rents are skyrocketing there too. welcome to the National Rental crisis. a rental crisis is what happens when successive governments- liberal and labor- spend three decades trying to [ __ ] you out of the housing market and nail it. history lesson. with policies like negative gearing, which we reintroduce, the capital gains tax discount, which this bushy gonad introduced, building less public housing and plain self-interest, which we both introduced, we've managed to force more and more of you to become renters. looking to buy [ __ ]. you, you'll have have to read, Because those policies turned houses into Investments which made them too expensive, poor and looking for shelter [ __ ] you, you'll have to rent or be homeless, cause we stopped building enough public housing. looking to rent because that's just what you prefer, fine. but now you'll have to compete with all those other folks. we turned into renters, and that's why you can't find a rental, and if you do, you'll get rent with prices like these. so [ __ ] you too, but when you think of it, it's a double [ __ ] you, because not only do you pay to subsidize your landlord's Investments through these schemes that keep housing out of your reach, but, thanks to our piss week tenant protections, you also pick up the bill when their Investments go poorly. interest rates going up- pass it on. inflation going up- pass it on. giving a toss, pass it on. and that's how we can have only 26 million people inhabiting an entire [ __ ] continent in one of the richest countries of the world and still not have a secure roof over everyone's head. but don't worry, we know you want us to do something about this. so we are introducing our aspiration to build one million new homes over five years. sure that's the same number of homes built in the last five years, aspiration? and sure we've only committed to building 40 000, which isn't even close to what's needed, and sure we're only going to start building them in 2024.. but hey, at least it'll make it look like we're fixing the rental crisis. what would fix this crisis? more public housing, because fewer people renting freeze up homes for other renters and first home buyers. more rent assistants and tenant protections to make renting a secure choice. and, of course, reform the [ __ ] policies that cause this [ __ ] show. are we gonna do that [ __ ]? no, with 144 MPS owning more than one property, or four, or six or seven, it's not like we don't care about the rental crisis. we do because we personally benefit from it. now get back to work. Australia. that Renault 108th investment property isn't going to pay for itself. your pieces of [ __ ]. [Music] authorized by all Australian governments for the past three decades. thank you to all our patrons for making the honest government ads possible, especially our Patron producers. if you want to help us keep governments honest, you can do so at patreoncom. forward slash the juice Media or you can grab some merch from our store. you'll find all the links in the video description. also, if you know of a place to rent in the inner North, let us know in the comments. seriously, I can't find one either. [Music]. thank you, foreign. [Music].

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Why You'll Never Buy A House | Honest Ads

well, we've been together about 84 years and we're really just looking to get out of this tiny garage before the owners realize we're down here. she's the district attorney and i'm a professional dog. he impersonates dogs, you know, just for whoever wants it, and this dog is excited to get his own dog house. [Music]. [Music]. do you enjoy getting naked without everyone watching and enjoy rain not falling directly on your head? then i'm definitely going to recommend living inside. are you tired of spending money every single month for all that dry hair? great, then allow me to give you the opportunity to spend even more money every month for the next several decades, so you can own, not rent, four walls with a different type of wall on top. come in, come in, come in, come in, come in come in. my name's roger, and when my punk band broke up, i found a job as a real estate agent, because that's the easiest way for a washed up creative to make a lot of money without having to learn any real skills. i get a cut of whatever these partikular- four walls with a different type of wall on the top- sell, for the more money they spend, the more money i make. uh, isn't that a conflict of interest. we hired you to help us. no, no, no, it's okay, because the seller hired a separate real estate agent who also gets paid on commission. absolutely no one in this process has any reason to keep the price down, except us, right, sure? all i know is that if we don't buy a house, that makes us weird failures- yours. i've been conditioned to believe that any other living situation is for poor people to turn into cracked, den banded camps. exactly, home ownership is inextricably tied to achieving the american dream, and also just something we made up one day. that's a fridge, that's for meats. [Music]. about a hundred years ago, the government developed a plan to build millions and millions of cheap places anybody could afford. some would be simple and small, sure, but others would be big and nice enough that any family of any wealth bracket would enjoy living there. even better, they wouldn't be expected to allocate over a third of their income on the privilege of not sleeping in the street like a dog- okay, there's nothing wrong with sleeping like a dog, okay. but then a lot of lobbyists and realtors and bankers shut the idea down because they knew they could make way more money by exclusively building houses nobody could actually afford. see, today, the median house in america cost 350 000. that's more than jordan makes being a dog in a year, and that's like seven years in dog years. don't worry, you won't pay that. they'll pay twice that much, and the extra money doesn't even go to the seller, it goes to the bank. of course, that's assuming you have 20 of the total price in cash just lying around before you move in, because if you don't, they'll charge you even more interest year after year till you grow so old you can't even use all those stairs you bought. what can i say? it's expensive being poor. why are all the prices so high? shouldn't supply demand, make sweet love and hit an equilibrium that makes sense for everyone? well, that's a weird way to put it, but here's the funny thing about that: the number of people who want houses keeps rising because people keep being born, but at some point during the last few decades we just stopped building new houses. we didn't run out of land, so that'll happen eventually. nope, we actually passed special laws banning the building of small, affordable houses or stiking multiple families in the same building. that's because, to the people who make the laws and already have houses, other homes are just things they have to drive past and look at- and nobody wants their scenic route into work tainted by anything so gauche as whatever a middle-class family could afford. come look at this- that there is dirt and other assorted nature. if they're used to apartments, they'll probably want to treasure and utilize every square foot of their dirt, but here they're probably legally barred from doing anything with it. this looks like a great place for our kids to play. they'll never actually use it. that's why we have included a second vacant field at the back of the house. anything we can do to make the package more expensive. but speaking of, let's go down to the basement. [Music]. down there is a warn of heating and plumbing. watsons, you're going to have to learn how all of that works, because that's your job now. they also might want to take some emergency medical training classes, because there may be some life-threatening mold down there that could kill their entire family, or maybe there's already carbon monoxide on the main floor. upstairs. [Music]. this is the house's unfinished top hole. their parents fill their hole with partikipation, trophies and boxes of moths. they'll fill theirs with nothing, because they don't actually have any possessions other than a laptop, earbuds and two weeks of emergency underwear. a ghost lives up there, probably from the fold. it's kevin. in fact, you should probably get this whole place looked over by ghostbusters and also a circus worth of other types of inspectors that you'll need to pay for out of pocket, even if you end up not buying the house. it's the only way to find out about the sixteen hundred serpents living in the walls or whether the damaged wiring and plumbing will cancel each other out when the flood puts out the flames. uh, can we have a day to think about it? unless you act now, this place will be bought up on tuesday by a billion dollar investment fund for an actual home listing website, who will throw it right back up on the market at 150 percent the price. so how about you just make me an offer and save us all some time? here's what we got. what is this? you don't have any money at all, do you? who the hell do they think? they are basically everybody born after 1975- get out of here. i'll still keep contacting you every week for the rest of their life, just in case they have a friend, with a neighbor, with an aunt who's in the market for some dirt and walls and a roof. so this isn't really goodbye once again. i'm roger and i don't even need a house myself. i live on a boat. oh, they'll never get rid of me [Laughter] if they're found. [Laughter]. nobody's ever survived the swamp. what, what would you say we're looking for in a house? uh, a place for dogs? yeah, obviously. uh, three bathrooms. no ghosts? yeah, no vampires. uh, lots of parking.

More:dropshipping from walmart to ebay

Honest Government Ad | UK 🇬🇧

Hello, I’m from the British Government with a message to the nation as it clings like a desperate turd to the edge of the shitter: our Strong and Stable hand on the flush. We know many of you are facing uncertainty, Like the uncertainty of who the fuck is in charge here during this cost of living crisis, now that this sentient ham is no longer PM. Sure, you were probably wondering that when the pissed merkin was the PM, his main feats being to flout his own Covid laws, hand out lucrative contracts to our donors and get a shitton of you killed. But don’t worry. soon we’ll announce the new PM to assume those crucial roles: Either this stunned mullet who’s been specially trained to utter populist wank- "We're producing more varieties of CHEESE than the FRENCH" [ hesitant applause ]. Or this harrowing twat who boasts of stealing money from the poors. so both well qualified for the job. And when we announce the winner, We’d like you all to pretend this is a brand new government, NOT the exact same one that’s fucked you sideways into a full-blown state of social, economic and ecological collapse, Coz nothing says "A Brighter, More Secure Future" than plummeting wages, soaring inflation, poverty, hunger, foodbanks, a collapsing health system, underresourced rescue services, cities on fire, dying rivers, drought, crop failures, overflowing sewage and Polio TORIES. With a government like us who needs terrorists As things fall apart, we ask you to Keep Calm and Carry On. being reamed in the arse by the skyrocketing energy prices, we’ve done nothing to protect you from Remember how, during the last energy crisis, our Pigfucker in Chief rolled back insulation and renewables schemes. Well, “cutting the green crap” has added billions to your energy bills. Look, have we made mistakes? Maybe, But have we learned from them? Of course not. That’s why, as we face another energy price crisis today, we’re once-again proposing to roll-back green levies and renewables schemes. Sure, that would further increase our dependence on gas, which is what’s causing the crisis, but at least it’ll distract from how we have absolutely no plan to keep millions of you warm this winter. What might help is taxing these bastards more, or re-nationalising these ones. But why do that when we can just let you book yourself in to your nearest “warm bank” British Government? You’re on your own dickheads. Whatever you do during this void of leadership, please don’t take matters into your own hands, Like going on strike to demand a pay rise in line with inflation, Or joining a union. Get back to work. Amazon slaves. Civil disobedience scares the shit out of us, and that's why both arseholes vying to be the next PM have promised to ban strikes. Most importantly, do NOT sign up to this campaign where people are pledging to cancel their direct debit if we let energy prices rise further. Remember that time millions of you refused to pay the Poll Tax and you brought down this Government. "Thank you very much, goodbye". We wouldn’t want to have that again, Would we? Because you see, your masters have not heard the people’s voice for a generation, and it is much, much louder than we care to remember. Now get back to work. Britain. our tax havens and freeports aren’t going to pay for themselves. you pieces of shit. God Save the Queen. Authorised by Scott Morrison (Minister for Everything, Everywhere).

If Cryptocurrency Was Honest | Honest Ads

say: friend, do you like money? well, what if i told you there was a way to exchange those boring green presidential napkins for sexy computer cash that's easier to lose, far more volatile, slaughters the environment and can't be exchanged for the vast majority of goods and services. oh, and it will make you look cool among a subsection of the internet that has strong opinions on age of consent laws. hi, i'm roger and i'm here to tell you about the exciting financial opportunity that is. rajcoin is powered by blockchain and if you don't know what that is, you're a perfect candidate for gambling large chunks of your real money on the collective hallucination that is my magical calculator banknotes. allow me to explain with a soothing blue and white stok backdrop of numbers doing fantasy tikno gibberish, so you're hypnotized into believing this is futuristik. pretending to understand blockchain is simple. instead of being physical currency that's printed and backed by those lizard people in the government, rajcoin is created by forcing computers to solve needlessly complicated math problems, all while using more electricity than switzerland. how do raj coins even have value? because real money will become worthless the moment the government collapses, which will definitely happen any century now. but raj coin will forever retain its intrinsic value as long as enough. websites with names like bit bro and chain chungus keep toking about it and also assuming the global internet survives into the post-apocalypse. i still don't think i get it. oh, a savvy investor like you shouldn't fret over boring tiknical details. look, here are some fancy words, uh, to help convince you: decentralization, peer-to-peer cipher fungibility, function. what's important is that, whether you waste valuable resources yourself or simply pay in exchange for someone else's relentless contribution to climate change, rogecoin enters your horton wallet and is yours forever. unless, of course, you give your money to a scammer or get hacked or the hard drive. your investment is tied to fails. or you could become one of the 20 of people who lose their raj coin for all eternity because they forgot their wallet password and i burned their horton wallet and everything in it. but how often do you forget a password? yeah, uh. well, what can i buy with raj coin? uh, heroin and feet picks? uh, mostly. but are you sure you want to spend them? raj coin is an investment. it could triple in value overnight or it could plummet to total worthlessness because of something an ignorant celebrity tweets, or if a goofball country bans it, like china. [Applause]. that's all part of the thrill, so it's it's money that i shouldn't spend. exactly like all good currencies, raj coin should be hoarded forever. if you're lucky, your handful of abstract chimera tokens will make you richer and richer as society descends into an overheated tiknocratik dystopia. look, our mascot is adorable. wow, that is adorable. hey, can i use my raj coin to invest in those fun nfts everybody's toking about? that's a great idea. my cyberpunk health tender is perfect for pretending you own a gift of a kitten sneezing that's freely available to everyone else. but before you trade all your real money for an ephemeral pretend coin, you pour into an investment more vaporous than a ghost fart. i'd make sure you buy some gpus. rajcoin mining is driving their cost into the stratosphere and since 90 of raj coin has already been mined, you're going to need a lot of computing power for that last 10 percent. i thought gpus were for gaming. what are you a child? just because a product is created for a specific purpose doesn't mean it can't be co-opted for an or a borosian cycle of raw capitalism that recycles real resources into planetary waste for the sake of ever more ethereal non-creations that only exist as mirages in our minds. so are you ready to give rajcoin a try? yeah, i'm investing my life savings into it right now. that's fantastik. i'm sure you definitely won't end up like the many amateurs who lose their life savings on a gamble. they don't understand because a fast-toking youtuber with no credentials and a vested interest in keeping the scheme going told them to give it a shot. i'm roger, oh, and by the way, uh, i just tweeted that all purple and watermelon can and should corn all over my lily white also. mars is flat. ah well, now it says that my coin investment is totally worthless. always has been.

If Coffee Commercials Were Honest - Honest Ads (Starbucks, Coffee Bean, Folgers Parody)

foreign, I'd call it perfect, but it's missing something, don't you think? ah, there it is. this morning just wasn't complete until your first cup of coffee, right? yeah, there's nothing quite like a steaming cup full of an addictive drug in the morning. I'm Roger and I'd love to tell you about Horton brand warm, addictive brown stuff. please enjoy this footage of velvety, smooth beams, followed by a well-shot close-up of a hot brown liquid that's brewed by mixing heated water with the roasted, smashed up seeds of a flowering shrub native to Southern Africa and tropical Asia. I only showed you that to remind you you desperately need your fix. How Could You Forget? You see, these small brown seeds are a naturally occurring source of the world's most widely consumed central nervous system stimulant: caffeine. While most brain altering substances are outlawed or at least tightly controlled by the government, this entirely legal psychoactive drug is enjoyed by basically every person you know on a daily basis, completely unrestricted and with zero cultural stigma. in fact, it's openly celebrated by your friends, family and morning television personalities. smells so good I can't wait to add flavors and sweetener to distract from the natural flavor of this thing I claim to love and not be addicted to. I do like it. it's just that. Two Sugars and that hazelnut creamer make it. I'm not addicted junkies like him. keep me a harvester of brown seeds in business, but not just me. also me a distributor of overpriced addictive sludge. it also comes in pumpkin flavored. if you'd prefer that to the wet cigar boiled asphalt flavor that occurs naturally, I do great. it would be eleven dollars and here's a cup with your name just butchered on it to prove that you will let literally anyone treat you literally however they want, as long as they're handing you a cup of the chemical reward of an unregulated psychoactive drug. enjoy your drug disguised as a universally celebrated Touchstone of human culture. randor, that's not even a name. try, now. I understand that you wouldn't want to associate that chemical reward with the knowledge that people with far less money than you are severely underpaid to grow and harvest these bitter, drug-laden seeds. so I'd like to show you some more footage this time of a hard-working, happy looking person in Ethiopia or Guatemala- is somewhere hot, it doesn't really matter. I'm also going to say some words that, combined with these images, should make you feel better: organic, cooperative, sustainable, ethical ethics. I could bore you with the details and complexities of the international Commodities Market, or I could just say: hey look, it's burlap bag of beans has fair trade stamped on it. that's good right, sure? or at any rate it lets you plausibly deny that your happiness fix relies on somebody else's misery. now the only thing that'll keep you up at night is this central nervous system stimulant you consume on a daily basis via this mix of heated water and roasted smashed up seeds. why are you doing this? why are you telling us this? really cranky, when you haven't had your coffee? you know that there you go, a nice, warm cup of your personality. break it up. I'm Roger, by the way. hey, I'm Roger. thanks for watching, like And subscribe. uh, hey, what other terrible aspects about coffee did I miss? put it in the comments and I'll read them and we'll get back to you.